Every morning I am privileged to wake up to the pitter patter of my little girls feet while she sweetly yells “mommy! it’s a sunny day!” (code for, please come and get me NOW) and every night I am in awe that I still get to cradle and rock my sleepy 4 year old just like I did when she was just days old. There wasn’t a time in my life that I didn’t think I wouldn’t be a “mom”. It was the title I watched my mom wear with honor and the same one I wanted since I could answer the age-old “What do you want to be when you grow up?” question. Side note: Now, I get to watch my mom proudly beam at the title of “Nana”.

Then, two years after my husband and I got married I found myself sobbing over the phone to him and my mom in a random parking lot in North Carolina after my doctor told me she just didn’t know if pregnancy would happen for us. Right there, in front of me, was an infertility diagnosis. I felt incomplete, shocked, embarrassed, angry and hopeless all at once. And if the feelings weren’t already enormous enough alone, it wasn’t helped by the even more isolating “you’re fine, you’re still young, I don’t know what you are so worried about” comments as if somehow those comments took away the pain and fear. In fact, not only did it add to the embarrassment, it only made me feel that much more isolated and guarded about who I shared our struggles with.

A little over three years went by— negative test after negative test all while seeing friends and family have their first, second and even third babies as my heart was slowly crumbling around me. Would my time ever come? Would I always be giving myself shots in the bathroom at weddings or planning my life around the next round of infertility procedures and drugs? The answer is yes, our time did come— and after a successful round of IVF, an extremely high risk pregnancy, Hyperemesis Gravidarum that lasted my whole pregnancy we finally saw our heart beating outside of our body in our sweet 4 pound little girl in August 2018. After a month long NICU stay we were finally able to bring her home.

Those walking through this season of infertility know all too well the weight of emotions that come with it. The emotional, financial, physical and spiritual toll it can have on a couple is hard. I couldn’t bring myself to book a photographer for a maternity session because in some weird twisted way the toll of infertility made me feel like I wasn’t worthy, couldn’t add one more thing to pay for on top of the costs of treatments, and best of all I was paranoid that by booking a photo session something would go terribly wrong in my pregnancy. So, I did what any photographer would do, the night before I was admitted into the hospital, I got dressed, set up the tripod, adjusted all of my camera settings and made my husband stand in one spot in the ally way of our Chicago condo while I waddled back and forth from the camera to the pose hoping I could make it in time before the timer went off! Although I love our “maternity photos”, please don’t let infertility take that experience away from you too.

We always knew we would transfer all of our embryos, it was just a matter of timing. The only thing our 4 year old asked for for Christmas (2022) was “a wishing star to talk to Jesus so he can bring me a baby sister” and that was all we needed to hear to know the timing was right to try again. I would be leaving out an important chapter of our story, if I did not honor the sweet little baby we lost after an embryo transfer in May 2023. It was a long 3 months, of injections, allergic reactions, tests, sickness, drives to our specialist in Chicago and a pregnancy that was progressing “enough” but “not typical”. I ended up having an emergency surgery due to an ectopic pregnancy. The heartache that followed was suffocating. In a lot of ways, our heart still feels like its mending from May 2023 and I guess we will never understand why or the timing, but we trust that we will know when the timing is right for our family to try again, but until then, we rest in our unfortunate “comfort zone” of waiting.

My heart truly carries so much heaviness for those who are in waiting, and I will always be praying for you.

But I know that “in due time” you too will be holding your heart in your arms too.

If you are walking through a season of waiting through infertility treatments or adoption or know someone who is, please consider completing the form below. Each month I will gift a one-hour portrait session to a couple/family who is finally getting ready to start a new chapter with their newest addition.

Please keep in mind…

1. This is not just limited to families welcoming their first child. I know firsthand, that infertility does not discriminate and there are plenty of families walking through this journey while longing to add to their family.

2. I am only able to gift one portrait session per month. If you are not gifted the session in the month that you submitted, you will automatically be entered into the following month.

3. If you stumbled across this page and aren’t ready to submit but need someone to talk to for support or pray for you, submit the form and I will contact you directly.